it's a perfect denial.

it's been almost a week, 6 days since your departure, mum.
i still can't believe that you're gone, so fast.
yes, yes, thanks to all for the encouraging words and consoling me.
but you all think it's easy ah? to move on blablabla.
it's like EVERYTHING is changed.

now, i bet my kitchen 'tak akan berasap' lagi.
everyday i come home from school, the house will be very quiet.
no more, 'mamat, nak makan tak? pergi mandi dulu.'
translation to english.
'mamat, wanna eat anot? go take a bath first.'
mamat is what my parents call me. haha.
no more telling my mum about what happened in school etc etc.
lonely siaaa.

my youngest sister is having high fever since last sunday till today. gosh..
stress siaa.

school's been hell.
2 weeks to exams, and i still am not ready. abes zakir, die.
yesterday, just got to know from my class advisor that i've to go to ITE Tampines for some event. it's about the NA N'level students who directly enter Higher Nitec courses. so, i get to meet all my former campus friends from Mechanical Engineering, Mechatronics Engg, Electronics Engg & Mechanical & Electrical Engg Design. got to reach there by 3.15pm.

so i left my school and went home to put my bag first at about 1.15pm. wah siao. raining like hell. but then, reach tampines, no more rain. zzz. then texted jing yuan to meet him outside ITE Tampines. then went in the campus, fuyoo, it's been like 3mths since i stepped in there. haha. took the lift to go to the lifeskills studio at level 3(i think). saw my former class advisor! mdm wong! she said about my hair blabla, jeans blabla. i was like zzz. lol. then went in the studio and sat. the event is about our 10 weeks memory lane from january till april. to get feedback blabla. and i saw that girl! wah siaa. shy sia me. hahaha. well nvm, skip that. =l

after the event, mdm wong asked me to go out. she wanted to talk to me. talk about my late mum blabla. thanks mdm wong. if only, i'm still your student.. she's like the most caring teacher ever. after that, eating time. while queuing, sally asked me 'eh your hair straightnyer, go rebond ah?' then the rest of the girls also asked the same. =l i replied yes lohh. zzz. after eating, went home. saw qayyum while on the way to the bus-stop. had a chit-chat with him till my bus came.

got one incident in the studio, myself and jing yuan went to the toilet. when we came back, i heard one of the mechatronics student said 'matrep!', it's like everybody was sitting, i'm like infront of him going back to my seat. obviously he referred to me. eh alamak, me matrep? mcm paham sia. if i follow my guts, i would of punched him on the spot sia. but as always, i'm a patient person, ignored him. :)

on friday, i most probably will skip school and go back to jyss for teachers' day. still haven't collect my testimonial. =x

girl, oh girl, you're so sweet.
i can't take my eyes off you.
to you, i maybe am just nothing, but to me, you're everything.
my heart skips a beat whenever i saw you.

okay, done for tonight's post!

maybe you're the one for me.

9:06 PM

totally unexpected.
my late mum just passed away just now in the morning.
at around 7.20am.
i was still sleeping, till my father woke me up and said she's fainted.
i went to her bedroom quickly. well, she's already passed on.
her body laid there lifeless.
i seriously don't know what to do. my head's spinning.
in about 5 mins, the ambulance came.
tried to revive her with CPR etc etc, but to no avail.
and she was confirmed dead.
tears rolled down my cheeks profusely.
i just can't seem to accept the fact that she's gone so fast.

I REGRET. i regret that i'm not by her side during her last breath.
i'm fortunate today. my today's PE lesson was cancelled.
if not, i would have been inside the bus on the way to school when my mum passed on.

my grandmother called everyone that she could to tell about my mum's death.
i stood beside her corpse, nothing more i could do, but to keep reciting prayers.
by 9+am, one by one, my uncles/aunties/cousins came.
by 10+am, the people who's in-charge of the burial came.

then, she was being bathed.
then the last part, time to kiss her forehead for the VERY LAST TIME.
i cried very hard. i can't seem to stop it. my grandma said to me, "don't cry, don't cry."
then kissed her forehead for the last time..

by 11+, boarded the bus to CCK Cemetery. all the way, i cried. seriously, i once told her in malay, i translated in english.
"mum, i'll be taking my motorcycle license next yr, and buy motorcycle after i passed, then i would take you around singapore, shopping with me on my bike."

she laughed, and replied,
"you still haven't even reach 18 & pass your motorcycle license, and you wanna talk about so much things. talk about this again when you're already got the license."

now, all is gone. everything's fated. everyone says, including her older sisters,
"zakir, she's still young, 45 yrs old only. we're all older than her, but she's the one who's gone first, she passed on too early."

reached the cemetery at 12.30pm, luckily it was only drizzling. the person whom is in-charge of the burial ask either me or my father to help carry the body into the grave. my father asked me to go do it. well, i agreed.
carried her, untied the corpse's knots, blabla, then went up.
then, the bulldozer go put ground soil ontop of the corpse.
recite prayers, once again, i cried profusely.
i don't even get to seek forgiveness from her, and she's already gone.
after the whole thing, boarded the bus again home.

at about 1.30pm, siddiq texted me that he's already under my block.
i called him and asked him to go up.
and i was very shocked to see the WHOLE of my class students, YM0804A came to visit.
around 18 people.
by 3+, they went home.

at 5.30pm, my former secondary school classmates came.
the 5N1's 2008/4N1 & 4N2 '2007. around 20+ people, i'm again, very shocked.

thanks lah to everyone for visiting me and the condolences. i really really appreciate it.

about my ITE classmates, they even skipped their lifeskills lesson to come and visit.
i'm speechless. seriously, thanks ah.

now, i bet my house will be quiet.
no more naggings.
no more complainings.
no more eating my favourite dishes cooked by her.
no more sharing stories with her.
no more going out together with her.
no more buying good food for us during puasa time.
i'd rather she nags at me everytime rather than NONE at all.

this year's rayer will be very different. awkward.
i just don't feel like about celebrating raya.

from now on, i really am gonna change.
so people, really, do cherish your mum, take care of her before it's too late.
haiz.

now i don't know what to do. my father will surely be in stress.
everyday must bring my small sister to school and take her home.
she's only 5 years old. i bet she knows that her mum's already gone.

but i think, it's also quite the right time for her to leave this earth.
i can't bear to see her in pain, groaning in pain everyday.
heard her cries everynight, she cannot sleep because of the pain.
i couldn't do anything, i wish i could.

mak, zakir sayang mak banyak-banyak.
zakir mintak maaf kalau ada buat ape-ape kesilapan dengan mak.
zakir akan doakan mak hari-hari.
zakir janji, zakir akan belajar rajin-rajin, jaga adik-adik dan ayah.

i will miss you mum, hope you're placed in heaven..
amin.

maybe you're the one for me.

9:13 PM

3 weeks to exams.
2 weeks to the start fasting month.
7 weeks to hari raya.
9 months to my 18th birthday. (omg, so long! :( haha.)

ahh, i really can't wait to have my own motorcycle. rofl.
school's quite okay. finally, our first practical. on next wednesday, my course students will be going to the SME (Small & Medium Enterprises) companies. Heatec Jietong & another 1 company, forget what's the company name. and we'll have to wear our safety boots. omg, so heavy sia.

woo. English Premier League has finally started. Go Manchester United!

haha, crapping in CAD room.

this is how my my course's special slacking room called 'The Learning Cove' looks like.

okay, that's all for today. byebye!

maybe you're the one for me.

11:08 PM

school's quite alright.

on wednesday, myself and chaqif went to queensway and bugis street after school. bought new watch, cut my hair and other things. haha, then we made a challenge to see who reach home first. we split at bugis station. his house is at jurong/lakeside while mine is tampines. hahaha. of course la i reach first. rofl.

today, ITE Tampines, ITE Bedok students came to my campus (Yishun) to celebrate National Day. so many activities. graffiti, soccer competition, concerts etc etc. yesterday, i texted fathu, my former secondary school friend, he's studying at ITE Bedok. he said he didn't wanna come to my campus as he's lazy & said it's too far. bloody hell. haha.

well, when i went in the school gate with my friends, fuyooo, so many people siol assemble at the carpark/car porch. motorcycles everywhere. haha. (nehmind, nehmind, next yr i also will get lah! =x) i didn't see my former ITE Tampines mates. lazy to find. and it's been so fucking long since i sang the national anthem and recite the pledge. haha. almost 10 months? haha. then the director of engineering talked to us blabla. UNDER THE HOT SCORCHING SUN! woish. then the student council member split us up class by class to go to our respective venue for the activities. haha, my classmates and i went to eat first at canteen, took The Learning Cove key and slacked inside there. if anyone of you still wondering what is 'The Learning Cove', it's actually an aircon room with foosball game table, PS3, computers and DVD player. it was made by the Singapore Navy for my course students, Marine Offshore Engineering, to relax our minds aka slack. other students cannot go in. how cool is that!? so i played warcraft III with siddiq, since we're bored. the rest played foosball and played PS3.

by 11.30am, we went home. took 85 & 27. reached home, changed to slippers and went to mosque to meet faris, rauf, junaidi, wafiy, ahmad & haziq, my former sec schmates who are all in sec 5 right now, taking O's. it's been a long time since i met them. haha. prayed and then i wanted to go home but faris invited me to follow them to celebrate haziq & hidaya's birthday. so i agreed to follow them. blablabla celebrated and then slacked under ahmad's block till 7pm and went home.

i seriously need to go back to school on teacher's day since my sec schmates said that my sec 4 form teacher, who is currently my sec schmate sec 5 form teacher also, Ms Ng, will be leaving the school when the sec 5's graduate. wah. my friends graduate, she also leave. how touching. haha.

hmm, nothing else to blog about. byebye!

maybe you're the one for me.

7:59 PM

hello earthlings! nothing much happened this week.
i withdrew from the ASMI-Keppel ITE sponsorship. ehehehe.
it's because i think i can make it to polytechnic. (HAHA, what an ass.)
and adam also didn't take up the scholarship. only ariff. :P
but yeah, i'm still gonna work at KEPPEL! :D:D:D:D:D

okay, adam wants to go to Ngee Ann Polytechnic and take up Diploma in Marine & Offshore Technology after graduating from ITE.
http://www.np.edu.sg/soe/me/courses/mot/Pages/mot.aspx

as for me, i wanna go to Singapore Polytechnic and take up Diploma in Marine Engineering.
http://www.sp.edu.sg/SPweb/appmanager/home/default?_nfpb=true&_pageLabel=SP_FS_Courses_SMA_FT_ME

but the Marine & Offshore Technology is quite nice too for me. hmm. headache lagi. but who cares. study first. :)

phew, i managed to get away again from my class advisor (form teacher). ehehe. about my hair. he asked me to trim my hair. so many times already he asked me. but on wednesday, he said i must cut it by friday. but as always, i never go cut. lmao. i sayang my hair larrrrr. :(

&& i've found another alternative route to go to school ! wow.
k let me list out all the routes. kwang3.
1st alternative - Take bus 72 to Tamp Inter and switch to bus 969 to Yishun Inter.
2nd alternative - Take bus 168 to Jalan Kayu/Seletar Camp and switch to bus 39/858 to Yishun Inter.
3rd alternative - Take bus 27 to Sengkang's Compass Point and switch to bus 85 to Yishun Inter. (this is the latest route i discovered.)

the fastest route is the second one, but the thing is, 168 is always full sia. ass. so the 3rd one is the second fastest. about 45mins. not bad. rather than the 1st, about 1 hr-1hr15mins.

Monday
nothing much happened. i've finally completed the 2 AutoCAD/ZWCAD drawings test. it's quite difficult siol. so tedious.

Tuesday
didn't come school. woke up at 6.30am, feeling sleepy and headache, so continue sleeping till afternoon.

Wednesday
went to school. since that day have free movie screening + free food after the movie screening, all my classmates went. =.= they want free food only. i also followed loh. xp. watch Bee movie at the auditorium. haha. afterwards, took turns to take our free lunch. what a long queue. the free food were McChicken & Double Cheeseburger & a drink. lmao.

Thursday
reached school early because of PE. cannot late siols. because later teacher my attendance as L. which is "late". played soccer etc etc then bath. as usual. got free movie screening and free food again. so watch the movie and then take the free food. the free food on that day was McChicken & Filet-O-Fish.

Today
reached school at 8.45am. 45mins late. haha. after school, wan wanna try john's new motorcycle, Honda CBR 400cc, he FELL from the motorcycle. WTF. john just bought that motorcycle yesterday. my friends and i were like speechless when wan fell, it happened just right before us, in the school's carpark. the engine oil leaked, the bubble/screen of the CBR cracked. called the tow truck blabla to tow john's CBR to the motorcyle shop. gosh. =_=
morale of the story is : don't ever try other people's motorcycle. haha.
nabil also almost spoilt wan's Yamaha 125z last time too. lol.

tomorrow's wan birthday bbq pit. at pasir ris.
and he asked me to meet him early tomorrow under his block to help him carry the bbq things as i'm the only one staying nearest to him, that is, tampines. -.-
the rest of my classmates all staying at jurong/sengkang/woodlands.
sheesh, but it's okay. zakir's a good boy! hahaha. :D

okay, nothing more to post today. so bubye!

maybe you're the one for me.

5:10 PM